A Year Without You

Little did I know that one year ago my life would be changed forever. Little did I know that this day a year ago I would lose a piece of me forever. Little did I know this day a year ago I would put my daughter down for the last time. Fast forward to today, and some days I don't know how I made it this long. It's been a long, rough journey. If it wasn't for my wife and sons, I surely wouldn't have made it this far. It's been the hardest thing I could've imagined, but I wouldn't have wanted to go through it with anyone else besides Nani. Even though the 17th will forever be the worst day of our families life, we are going to try and celebrate her life; as that is the way she lived her life. It was 9 months of celebration. I'm not gonna act like it's an easy thing to do to be positive on this day, but I know that's how she would've lived it. It's sad because this day will forever be vividly engraved in my memory, but it's the one day that shouldn't be focused on. Maybe that's just the reality and something I'm going to have to accept. The pain is inescapable, but it kinda just becomes apart of you. It's been a little tougher these past couple months, because I have had the same dream about her at least 4 times. The dream isn't exactly the same, but it's the same concept each time. In my dream, someone tells me that Kahea has come back alive. As I see her, it almost makes me out of my dream as I can't believe it. But in that moment, I feel over come with happiness as I embrace her again. That's usually when it ends and I wake up heart broken. What I would do to have her back. At my lowest point in the hospital, I remember begging God to take me instead so that she could live. In that moment, I wasn't afraid of death, because my daughter and my family mean that much to me. Like I've said before, I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. Life is precious, and we all don't really know how much time we have left. So enjoy it, and make the most of it. My baby is a special little girl, and I miss her more than anything. She made my life that much more special, and I didn't realize it. Now that Keali'i was born 2 weeks ago, I feel myself trying to right all my wrongs as a parent that I had for the previous babies. I don't even know if they're really "wrongs", but they are things I wish I did better. I guess I can still do them better for her when we're reunited. Even though it's been a whole year, it feels like you were here with us yesterday, baby. I miss you and I will always love you. Gone, but never forgotten. Fly High princess. Rest in peace.