No Matter the Outcome

 

  Perspective is something I felt like I had a lot of, before all of this. I knew where my life was headed, at least in terms of building my family. Well that's what I thought. Now my perspective has changed, and I realize now how little perspective I really had before my baby left me. Which has made me realign my priorities on what actually matters in life. It has made me more sensitive and aware of people going through similar situations. Just within the past month I've seen 2 traumatizing baby stories. One of the babies joined my daughter in heaven. My love and prayers to the Reed family, whose incident was very similar. Also, prayers and love to baby Marley and her family as she is making her recovery. Seeing those stories brought back the pain from losing Kahea, but then again everything I do reminds me of her in some way. I still cry myself to sleep some nights. Wishing I could hold her and kiss her a few more times. I lay down and think about what stage she would be at now. Would she be walking? How many words would she be able to say? Would she be even chunkier or slimmed down from getting taller? Would her rolls ever go away? Haha, those thoughts usually creep into my head and keep me up at night. When I'm down, the darkest parts of me think sometimes, "What if I never see her again? What if there's nothing after this life?" That's something I don't believe, but if I'm being honest, those thoughts creep in when I'm down in a hole. My biggest hope I have right now in life is that I'll be able to see her again, and I think the Devil wants to take away that hope. He does win for a few moments sometimes, but the thought of not seeing my baby girl again kills me and drives those feelings back out of my head.

    There have been too many coincidences or signs for me not to believe that I will see her again. The most special ones have been from my son, but all of them given me hope. Before Kahea passed on, Naia really didn't know a lot of words. So when he came to visit us in the hospital, it shocked us to hear him saying some pretty good sentences. The night that we found out there was no chance she would come back, my mother in law brought him by the hospital so we could spend some time with him and take a break from being stuck in the room. It was after hours, so the hospital was dark and empty. It was kind of like when there is a hospital in a horror movie. As we walked around the lonely hospital, we tried to just appreciate naia being there and put a smile on our faces. However, the pain was too raw at that time so we were crying on and off for the better part the day. Anytime Nani would lose it and break down, Naia would turn to her and say out of the blue, "It's okay mom. She knows. Baby's here!" We both kind of looked at him like, 'What did you just say?' It was very comforting hearing those words come out of his mouth. Tears started falling from our red puffy eyes again, that felt like they were going to become like that permanently, as we stopped to watch some videos of her. We continued walking around enjoying his presence, as we walked to the waiting room. One of the toys in there was a helicopter. Now he had never owned a helicopter toy and we never taught him that word, but he said, "Mom helicopter! Baby fly." His sister was telling him about her life flight and that she got to fly in a helicopter. I don't know how else he would've known that. It was like everything he would say or do just kept amazing us. Leaving us kind of speechless that these little miracles were happening. As we kept playing before he left that night, he was very attached to these Pandas. (which we claim as Kaheas spirit animal) He wouldn't let anything happen to them, just as he used to do for his sister. When she was alive, whenever anyone would try and take his sister and tell him she was going bye bye, usually my father in law teasing him, he would scream and get mad. She really was his best friend, and I think that's any parent's goal for their children to be close. We knew she was with her brother in those moments comforting him, and making sure her best friend was going to be alright. So to see him with those pandas, which were her toys from home, it was heart wrenching knowing they're not going to be able to grow up together and how much he loves and misses his sister. However, those moments also gave me hope and comfort knowing she is alright.

     Just the other day I had another small experience. My dad's birthday was on the 4th of August, so I went to go text him happy birthday. As I opened up his name to message him, I read the very last text he sent to me and it said, "Hey Dom just thinking about you. Want you to know how proud I am of you and how much you've grown as a young father. Sometimes the Lord will test your faith to wake you up, no pun intended. But you have to look at your life and see what things you need to change. Love you son have a good day." The text message was dated exactly a month before Kahea would pass. As I read it again, I thought about the day he first sent that to me. I was at work and I remember thinking, "What the heck does that mean? Why is he texting me this?" Looking back on it now, there's no way that that was a coincidence. Especially that it was just a month before. Of course I brushed it off at the time, because the lord wasn't going to test my faith in any big ways right? Because things like that don't happen to you. You hear about them happening to other people, but not you. At least that's how my mind set was. Speaking of testing my faith, I finally was able to talk to my second mission president as he wanted to talk to me and vice versa. He told me he was worried that I felt that it was somehow my fault, because at the funeral I said that maybe this was the only way the lord could've gotten through to me and that when we were in the hospital, different family members were saying we need your faith. That we needed our faith for the blessing to work. He then said something that showed me I didn't understand faith fully. He said, "That's not how faith works. Faith is being able to believe in him no matter the outcome." He then told me a story about a couple who went to a leader in the church and asked him for a blessing. I don't remember the exact reason for the blessing, but the leader asked them if they had faith that the blessing would work. They said, "Yes we do!" He then asked them, "Do you guys have faith if it doesn't work?" They looked kind of confused and told him that they didn't know what he meant. He then told them to go home and think about what that meant and then come back to him. After they thought about it, they went back to him and told him they had faith even if it didn't work. Just paraphrasing what he said, so sorry President Tolman if I butchered that. After he had told me that story, I thought about my own situation and did I have the faith whether it was going to work or not? The answer was no, I did not. I was so caught up in pleading and begging for him to save her, that I wouldn't listen to any other answer. I was not leaving the hospital without my daughter. How could I possibly think about what if the blessing didn't work? Of course at the time it felt like I wasn't worthy or my faith was weak. Now I realize that it was God's plan and this needed to happen. Some people might think, "how could you think God would let something like that happen?" My answer to that is his understanding is higher than mine. He knows everything and what's supposed to happen and I'm supposed to trust that. I guess that was me finding the faith that it didn't happen. Like I shared at the funeral, my favorite scripture is found in the bible. It's Hebrews chapter 11 verse 6 and the verse states, "But without faith, it is impossible to please him. For he that cometh to God must believe that he is and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him." So how could I be rewarded if I'm not faithful in whatever the outcome? I still wonder why it had to be her sometimes, and I think that's normal. The pain never goes away. Still feels like the day it happened. You just learn to manage the pain a little better. It's hard watching her brother and cousins grow older together. Wondering if they'll remember her, or wondering how close they would've all been growing up. She had just barely gotten a little girl cousin who she was supposed to grow up and be best friends with. The what ifs are a never ending cycle. She would have been a year old in 2 weeks. The day after her birthday will mark the third month that she has been gone. It seems like she was here yesterday, crawling over to her favorite stair and playing on it by herself. Just in her own little world, and me just catering to it. If I could have her back, I would do whatever she wanted me to, whenever she wanted me to. I wouldn't waste a moment with her. I would hold her and never let go. So she better learn to run before I see her again, because she's going to get tired of me squeezing her. All jokes aside though, I miss my baby girl. So for all of the love, time, and support everyone has given to this blog; Thank you. My intent for this blog is not to be preachy, or talk about gospel things. My intent is to remember my daughter and cope with her loss. However, God is what gives me my hope and comfort so gospel things will probably be incorporated at different times without me realizing it. So to anyone who takes the time to read these, thank you all.

I just wanted to share some of my favorite videos of her. This first one is us at Ohana Grill in Provo, Utah. I love this one, because she shows her full personality in 15 seconds. She's looking back waiting for "her" food. Then she looks at her mom, who calls her, and starts smiling and dancing like she always does. Then you can tell she gets annoyed that nani is filming her and kind of tells her off. It's hilarious.

Next video is her playing with her favorite toy. The big blue Lightning McQueen. Nothing really to explain in this video as she's just telling nani how much she loves that car in her little 7 month old way. And as always, has to taste test it to see if it's also edible. 😂