Our New Family Goal: Kahea

     Hello to anyone who might read this. My name is Dominique Taito, for those who might not know me. I have a beautiful wife named Kanani, and we have had 2 beautiful children. Our son is named Manaia, and our daughter was named Kaheana. You might've noticed that I wrote "is" for my son, and "was" for my daughter. This isn't a typo. Today is June 16th, 2018, which is a day short of completing the month anniversary that we found our daughter dead in our room from taking a nap. I know that that is kind of a depressing or unpleasant way to start this off, but there really isn't any other way to start this story. Or maybe there is.
     Let's go back to August 16th, 2017. This was the day that Kaheana Taiarohia Anne Taito came into the world. Otherwise known as KTAT, because of her initials. It was an especially long day for my wife, as she tends to be in labor for longer than the average person. What made it even longer was due to her high fluid levels, we had no idea whether she would have to have a c-section, or give birth naturally until an hour before Kahea was born. Thankfully, everything worked out and she was able to avoid a c-section and Kahea had become apart of our lives. Now, as you know, we had already had a child. Our son, Naia. So I felt prepared having another kid. What I wasn't prepared for, was having a daughter. I was very worried to have a daughter, because for 1, I wasn't about to have any little boys hanging around my daughter until she was at least 30. (So sorry to my In-Laws for having to put up with me) And 2, which is the most important reason, I wanted to always be there and protect her from any dangers in this world. So here I was, a 24 year old father of two, hoping that I would be able to be a good father to both. When we first brought Kahea home after being in the hospital an extra couple days due to jaundice, I remember thinking, "Man she cries so much compared to Naia." she would cry all night and I would get frustrated. I wasn't used to it because Naia was an angel baby. I don't know what happened to him now. Hahaha just kidding, he still is a good kid. Just full of energy, but she was a hard baby at first. That's why I'm grateful for my wife, because she is a great mom and the best person I know. As she got older, she still was high maintenance, but only for food. If she wasn't fed every hour on the hour, she would definitely let you hear about it. She might've been a baby, but you could definitely see the old Polynesian lady side coming out of her as she chewed you out for not getting her food. Not just any food too, oh no. If it wasn't something that would send your taste buds into a bonanza, she would give it to you for that too. Besides her hangry side, she was just a happy little... well she wasn't that little, but she was still my baby so you get the point. Like I was saying, just a happy baby as she would crawl around and play by herself, unless her brother was jumping all over her. She loved him as much as she loved food, which is the highest compliment you could get from her because she was always checking to see if things were edible. Even if she had already tried to see if it was food a million times before. "Just living her best life" as her Aunty Anga would say. With that being her motto in her short life, she developed these little fat rolls all around her body as if she was the new mascot for Micheline Tires. Which I never understood, because she only recently got her two bottom front teeth. She used those things to gnaw on everything she ate. You could tell her two front teeth made her feel like she was in heaven as she upped her "real" food intake as soon as they came in. To our benefit, her rolls made it really easy to grab her so she wouldn't slip. It also made it not fun to hold her for too long as your arms would get tired easily, but she always wanted to be held; and who was I to resist her chubby cheeks as she glared at me to pick her up? I'm glad I never did as she would keep nagging me to hold her until her last day.
     May 17th, 2018. I had stayed home from work as my wife was having health problems forcing me to take her to the emergency room the night before. Everything went smooth, and her tests came back negative so we had a sigh of relief that she was fine. So on the Morning of May 17th, we all woke up as a family and kind of kicked back and decided to be lazy that morning. My wife left and brought back doughnuts, which we gave one to Kahea and with the turn of a head for five seconds, the doughnut was gone. Usually that would be an exaggeration, but in this case, it probably was 5 seconds. You probably should know that we had bought a split level house in the month of  February, so during those months we had been renovating our house in our spare time. Nani's family had been helping us a lot, because my father in law is very handy and has been teaching his daughters everything that he knows. He'd also been teaching me, because I know nothing when it comes to things like that. Anyway, some of my in laws had come over to help out on the house, so Nani left upstairs to help them out. I was downstairs watching the kids, trying to put them to sleep so I could go mow the lawn. Naia had fallen asleep on the ground while watching a movie, and Kahea had just fallen asleep in my arms. As I looked down at her, I decided to hold her for a little bit longer. After waiting a few more minutes, I still didn't want to put her down. I brushed these feelings off to the side as I felt I needed to go mow the lawn before it got dark. I got up with her in my arms and thought I should lay her by her brother, but I didn't want him to wake her as he is a nightmare to sleep with. So I decided to lay her on our bed, which is the place where we put her everyday for a nap. I went out to mow the lawn and thought nothing of it. As I was about to finish the lawn, I heard a chilling scream through my headphones. I yanked them out and whipped my head around to see where the noise came from. I looked and saw my Mother in Law frantically running towards me, with a fear in her face that I had never seen before. She yelled to me, "The Baby is dead! The baby is dead!" She turned around and ran back up to the front yard and I quickly pursued. Shocked and confused, I ran towards the front not being able to comprehend what I had just heard. As I reached the driveway, the worst nightmare you could ever think of had just happened. Shock slapped me in the face as I saw my wife holding our lifeless baby in her arms trying to stay calm and following the directions of the 911 person on the phone. Nani looked at me and panicked, "Do you know CPR?" I shook my head no as all I could do was stand there and see my baby all blue, and not breathing. My biggest worry, and the second reason I was worried about having a daughter had just happened. You know what it feels like to feel helpless and watch your baby daughter die? It's a feeling I would never wish upon anybody. Not even my worst enemies. As my wife and I helplessly looked on as they performed CPR on our daughter in the emergency room, all I could think to myself was, "This was my fault. I put her down." "God, please don't take my baby! Take my life, not hers!" or "How could this happen to her?" The doctors were able to get her pulse back and we were life flighted to Primary children's in SLC, but it was already too late. The damage her brain took from not having oxygen for the amount of time that she did had taken its toll. She never woke back up.
    It's almost been a month since then, and not a day goes by that my heart doesn't ache. Some more than others, but it feels all the same. For the most part, its been easy to mask the emotions in front of other people. The only one who it doesn't fool is my wife. Probably because she's been wearing the same mask. It was easy to grieve with each other at first, but recently its felt like the mask has become part of my identity. I know time heals wounds and this one is still very fresh, but I don't really feel like me. I walk around and feel like I'm a character in a video game and someone is controlling my actions. No emotions behind them, just going through the motions. Most of my day it feels like a dream. Like I am going to wake up and she's going to be there, but then reality hits me and all the emotions come flying back in and punch my heart as tears flow endlessly. My wife and I kind of trade off doing that. Sometimes it'll happen together, and that feels a little better than feeling it by yourself. This just happened to me @ 2 in the morning so now I've spent more than 2 hours writing this. I don't know why I am writing. It has been a little therapeutic getting this all down. I hope that by sharing my story, it can help any others who might go through this. Just like the ones who have gone through this before us that helped my wife and I. If it happens to you, you probably just joined the worst club you could be apart of, but the people in this club are the best. Everyone has lended a hand of sympathy as they also know what its like to lose a child. Just like everyone has told me and also from what I've noticed is that, nothing anyone says will ever bring you peace. People will often times say the wrong things, which can be very upsetting, but they don't know any better and at least they're trying to extend love. Grieve your way. Don't listen to anyone trying to tell you how you should be grieving. Everyone does it their own way.  There is light at the end of the tunnel. You might feel it only for a second every now and then, but it's there. There have been experiences that Nani and I have had after Kahea's passing that have given us hope. We might not feel it all the time, but we try and hold on to it as much as we can. So to anyone who is reading this, thank you for taking your time and reading our story. I decided to start this blog so I could release stress or feelings I might have, or maybe help someone else who will go through this in the future. Like I said earlier, there really isn't anything someone can say or do to help ease the pain, but hopefully I can help relate or grieve. This first post was more of a general overview of her life. There are many more memories and other experiences I hope to share through this outlet over time. Thank you Kahea for being in our lives. We love you and we miss you. We'll see you real soon. Fly high Princess. Kahea is the goal.