From 5, Back to 3

    Not too many people might know this, or remember it. Nani mentioned it at the funeral, but it was brief. Before everything happened, we went through a couple of trials that we felt were in preparation for what was to come. Back in April, we had taken a trip to Hawaii for Nani's Grandfather's funeral. When we returned home from Hawaii, there were a lot of delays in our flights, due to SLC International airport being grounded. The wind was really bad that day, so there were no flights in or out for long periods during the day. That delayed us a good few hours from getting back home. We left Hawaii around 4 A.M. and got back to SLC around 3 A.M. the next day, due to multiple stops and  unexpected layovers. I flew in separately on Delta, as I used my mother's flight benefits, and I went to pick up the rest of my family when they arrived. While I was driving home, I fell asleep at the wheel on the freeway. We had just passed the pleasant grove exit and I hit the barrier and overcorrected. The car then spun around while Nani and I screamed. Luckily, there were no cars around us at the time we crashed, because 3 minutes later there was a steady flow of cars. Nani and I felt pretty blessed and from that moment on we tried to give more attention to our kids. We felt it was a blessing that we were all okay and made it home safely. That was the first thing that happened. The second thing that happened that we felt helped prepare us was, in the beginning of May we were expecting to expand our family to 5. Nani had just reached 12 weeks pregnant, and we were going in for our first ultrasound. When we were going in for our appointment, I remember I was pretty relaxed and confident about it. I had gone through this process twice already. I felt like a veteran. I was pretty excited to have a third child. Nani and I always wanted to have a lot of kids close in age, so they could be best friends. Although, Nani wants 7 kids, and I think 5 is good enough for me. 😂 Anyways, the doctor started the ultrasound and I remember looking hard at the screen and thinking, "that's weird, it looks like nothing's in there." The doctor then looked again and said, "I am sorry, but it looks like you may have miscarried. I am going to bring a specialist in to confirm what I see." The specialist then came in about 5 minutes later and gave us the bad news. I remember tearing up a little bit, but I looked at nani and she was in a lot more pain than I was. She was crying pretty hard and I just remember thinking how quickly that day turned from, "This is going to be a great day!" to it turning into a disappointment. While we walked out of the office, Nani was still taking it pretty hard and said to me, "I cannot imagine what it would ever feel like to lose one of these two." I remember in that moment agreeing with her and looking at Kahea as I handed her to Nani, and then looking at Naia as I put him in the car. I was pretty appreciative in that moment and I felt lucky that we still had each other. I also remember feeling glad that nothing tragic would happen to our family. All I could see that day, was our family growing old together with our kids growing up. I think that made us cherish every moment with her, her last two weeks, without knowing they would be her last in this mortal life. 
 
    Looking back on it now, Nani and I felt like these two trials were given to us to prepare us a little bit for Kahea's passing. It's depressing thinking about how we had worked so hard to get to where we were at. About to be a family of 5, and then in a 2 week swing we were back down to 3. Everything was going how we planned, and now having to start back over. It's not really starting back over though, because you can't just replace a kid. Something I think that's kind of funny was two different people, that were trying to comfort us after the fact, told me and Nani, "Don't worry, you'll have more kids." I had no idea how to respond to that. I remember Nani and I saying to each other, "why would you say that? We don't want to replace her." So if you know anyone else going through this, don't repeat that phrase. Back to the point, the Lord works in mysterious ways. He knew that Kahea wouldn't be here for much longer and so he prepared us through smaller trials. They weren't what we asked for, but it was what we needed. I am grateful to him, because I don't know if I would be where I'm at now without his comfort. Especially since my relationship with the lord wasn't as good as it should've been before everything happened. Even after it happened, my faith in him was shaken, because I couldn't believe that he let her die after I poured my heart out to him. Begging him to save my baby girl, but I know he wasn't the one that took her from me. She is apart of something bigger than us. So I know she is very special, because of that reason. Something that brings me comfort in this is that in my beliefs (LDS Church) Nani and I will get to have the opportunity to continue on where we left off and be with her for all eternity. As long as we live the way the lord would want us to. That's why our family goal is Kahea, because she is where we want to be and is waiting for us. If I'm dying inside now from missing her, I can't imagine what it would feel like to know that I will never see her again for all eternity. So the bar has been set for me and my family, and we have one mission in life, and that's to return back to her.

1.     A quick memory that Nani and I talked about this week. As everyone knows that knew Kahea, she loved her food. Anything she could touch was going to end up in her mouth, and tried to be eaten. The annoying thing was when you would feed her, as soon as any part of the spoon would get past her lips she would close her mouth so fast. That would cause the food to splatter and make a mess. It would always make us laugh, because it was like she was going to make sure she didn't miss the spoon. She was determined to get the food in her mouth, and no one was going to take it away. She also had a small mouth, which made the window of opportunity even smaller, so sometimes I felt like I was ramming her food in there just to make sure it all got in. Haha, It's truly the little things you miss.